Operation de-clutter: How to get your adult kids' stuff out of your retirement cottage
So, you have moved into a retirement village, and unsurprisingly have discovered that you now need extra space in your now smaller retirement abode.
On examining your unit and its storage areas, you discover that a large proportion is taken up by items belong to your now migrated adult children (children that are now in another town, or often even another country!) - items such as books that they intended to read; or old items of memorabilia - for example photo albums, fishing tackle, files and documents from their University days - etc., etc! (You have been nagging them for years, but to no avail... it's as though they still tend to think that your house is also their house, a kind of reverse "Mi casa, su casa" thinking. This seems too often be the case, even if they have never lived in your current abode, or if it was the only house they knew growing up).
You've tried putting our foot down and demanding - "you've got to get your stuff out!" or asking "When will collect your 21 foot paddle ski?" Their repeated promises to come around to collect it, or that on their next flight back to South Africa, they will sort it out, are heard some often that they have become boring. And their advice to just throw it away is disconcerting, as we too suffer from the 'let's keep it - just in case' syndrome... and sadly often the memorabilia feels like all we have left of our now distant off-spring! But the dust collectors continue to stand there... taking up much needed and valuable space - space that we now seriously need!
So what works?
Some retired parents have found that (besides stamping your feet!), the following strategies may prove helpful:
- For far-away adult children, text photos of their stuff and ask them to mark up the items they don't want. Box up the rest, and ship it to them.
- Decide who is having the problem about getting rid of the stuff? Many parents are sentimental and blaming their kids for their lack of space - when in actual fact they are the one's reluctant to part with items.
- Give your kids a deadline! If they don't get their stuff out by the agreed upon date, tell them you will donate their things. Be realistic about the timeline, follow up, and do as you promised! Be ready for the counter arguments. When your kids respond - "But, it isn't like you need this space for anything," or "Yes, but we are thinking of moving, so once that has been done, we will let you know."
- Keep perspective. The accumulated stuff issue isn't just one that younger adults suffer from - so too do we! Most of us collect too much and discard too little!
- Break it down into phases... sorting, deciding, packing up, throwing away and donating. (And just maybe you should do this with your own hoarded items as well?)
- Sort out the items, then box them up and sent them cross country, via surprise delivery. (On a to pay basis of course!)
The Element of Surprise
Stop thinking about strategies and start doing! But don't be totally ruthless... perhaps keep a small handful of photos to one day show your grandkids. (Although in today's modern world it would be better to download them on your computer for posterity... that takes up far less space! However, on second thoughts, given the problems that those of my generation sometimes experience with modern inventions... maybe it would be better to have your grandchildren themselves download them?)
And remember, it is of course quite understandable that your adult kids don't want to let go of the past, completely? Maybe they view your house as a safe place, so if they leave stuff behind it's not going anywhere, just in case? Or, maybe it's the ultimate compliment, that they trust you with their stuff - an unspoken message that you've been a great parent? ....................
Henry Spencer Amended from, and inspired by, an article in Next Avenue (By Kathleen Doheny)